She Don't Know She's Beautiful

"Tammy"
Mark Nesmith
Pastel on Paper
10" x 8"
2012

I met my wife Tammy two decades ago while we were both working at Sears.  I had just finished high school and was working in package pickup and she was selling jewelry.  She was having trouble with some of her school work and was getting a little help from a teacher who worked part time at Sears customer service.  He was a friend of mine as well, so when he couldn't help with the geometry I got involved.  The first time I spent any time with her I was hooked.  Back then she stayed summers with her sister Mary who lived in Beaumont. We used to ride bikes around the subdivision where her sister lived and play tennis and basketball.  I couldn't ever have too much time with her back then and I still can't get enough.

I've never been shy about telling her she's beautiful.  I used to fill up pages with sketches of her.  I could draw her a thousand times and never feel like I've been able to capture what I see about her.  It never seems like my pencil or my brush can make the right line or shape.  My palette always seems to be missing just the right color. 

Over the years she's gotten shy about me sketching her and doesn't really like to see photos of herself.  When I tell her she's beautiful now she's likely to roll her eyes or laugh it off.  She's never been very good about taking compliments.

This pastel is drawn from a quick snapshot I took with my phone at a restaurant.  It's been the wallpaper on my phone for awhile.  My daughter Ruby saw it recently and commented about how good a picture it was of mommy.  She told me I should make a painting from it.  A while back I made pastel portraits of Ruby, Samuel, Benton, and myself and framed them as a present for Tammy.  I've told her several times that I wanted to add one of her to complete the set and she's always said she doesn't need a picture of herself.  She doesn't see herself the way I do.  I don't know that this pastel will change her perception, and like all of my drawings of her I know I've missed something or somehow gotten it wrong.

It has been said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  I feel that over the course of our life together I have beheld beauty every day with Tammy.  She's been the most caring and giving woman I've known in my life.  I've always remarked that she seems to be unable to tell people "no."  If any of her friends have a problem, big or small, Tammy takes it on like it's her own problem.  I've known her to drive in the middle of the night to check on a friend in need only to make herself stay up till dawn to finish her own work.  She nursed me through three surgeries in as many years, and has always been there to make everything ok for our children.  When our kids school needed a PTA president Tammy stepped up to the plate and worked constantly to help the school and the kids succeed.  When volunteers disappeared she did the work herself no matter how many hours it took.  She'd give her time to help any teachers at the school and has made many lifelong friends because of it.  I've sometimes thought that she lets people take advantage of her, but I realize that to Tammy it doesn't really matter.  She only sees someone in need and wants to help.  She genuinely wants to see everyone succeed and have a good life.

These past few years have been very difficult for her.  She went back to school to earn her teaching degree.  To make ends meet I've hustled and worked every spare gig I could find.  That left Tammy holding the bag most of the time when it came to our children and our home.  I sometimes wasn't so appreciative of all she's done and all the effort it took for her to earn her degree with the chaos of our busy life swirling around her.  I tried to help where I could with the kids and her classes, but I guess I fell short.  I felt the pressure of the years of work without a break, and she felt the pressure too.  I just didn't realize it.

When she graduated this past year it was a tough job market for teachers but she stayed positive.  When she got her Pre-K position in October it seemed like a weight had been lifted off of us.  She is an amazing teacher, and true to form she puts school and her students above her own needs.  She stays late for any meeting and has given up many Saturday mornings.  I truly believe she'd adopt every child in her class if she could.  She never seems to take any time for herself, and I don't know anyone more deserving of a little R & R. 

Since we first met I've never been able to imagine a life without her.  She's been my best friend, my biggest fan, my lover, the mother of my children, and the best part of me for half of my life.  We've had more than our fair share of struggles over the years.  It hasn't been the fairy tale we imagined when we were dating.  I thought that her graduating and getting her dream job as a Pre-K teacher was finally going to put us over the top, but somehow we've gotten a little lost.  It's never been very easy being married to me.  I've never had much money and probably never will, but my love and desire for my wife is stronger today than it was when we said "I do."

She may not know she's beautiful, but I have always been irresistably attracted to her.  It's like she's broadcasting some secret signal that's just my frequency.  I can still look in her brown eyes and get lost, and her bottom lip calls to me for a kiss constantly.  It feels like God made every part of her a perfect fit for my hands.  I still love to sneak up and kiss the nape of her neck and could sit and just stare at her for hours.  Though she hasn't really posed for me to draw her in years, I often trace her form with my eyes, visualizing the outlines on paper while I draw her in my mind. 

When I took this photo she was wearing a dark blue top, but I changed it to red.  I've always told her she's a knockout in red, but truth be told, I think she's a knockout in anything.  I even think she's sexy in her wornout grey sweat shorts.  I'm still just about speechless when she wears jeans, but something about her changes when she wears red.  Suddenly she seems to see herself the way I see her for a moment.  She seems to feel sexy and desireable and confident and so full of life.  I hope to someday find a way to make her see herself like that all of the time, and however many days God grants me with her I will keep trying. 

She don't know she's beautiful, but I do.  I always have and I always will.